A letter to my stepbrother, as a result of him changing his name on social media (he’s 27) – to include my last name.  Without going into the gory details, this pissed/bothered/angered/upset me immensely.  In fact, it has also started world war 6 in the family, because ultimately, I am, apparently, and always shall be, the asshole.  So, with all the words and feelings I wanted to express to all the people who were a part of the reason why I feel so strongly about this, I decided to try and write a letter to my stepbro who knows nothing about anything.  By writing to him, I was able to contain my rage and disappointment and anger, and try and explain in a way that would mean something to him, and also not alienate him

In reality, this poor kid (again, he’s not an actual kid), has been kept in the dark about all the lies and deception and affair that has led to my feelings.  So, all he knows is that his new stepsister, who 6 months ago welcomed and accepted him into the family, is pissed that he’s assumed my last name. My intent here is not to blame him or rage at him, but to try and explain without completely outing my dad and his wife.

Hi J - ,

I feel like I owe you this message if only to humanize me, and properly express what’s going on, here it is.

The name thing – it’s not about you.  I think you’re pretty cool. I like you (not that it matters – you’re a grown up man, and at this point in your life you could probably take it or leave it.)

We are in each other’s lives because our parents love each other and have chosen to be together.  That’s also cool. Your mum and I have had our differences, which belong and shall stay in the past, but overall, when they got married, I was (and still am!) happy for both of them. 

How to explain the name thing….god, I’ve crafted this message a zillion times in my head – sometimes with an angry slant (again, not at you – just feelings, resurfaced…), sometimes with an “I’m sorry and I wish I was a better person” slant (because let’s face it, I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be – nor am I striving to be.) 

I’ve edited this a million times, taken out all the extra bullshit, and tried to concisely explain what is happening in my head in a way you will understand and maybe empathize with. I’ve also tried to craft it in such a way that doesn’t point fingers – doesn’t assign blame, just matter of factly explains the why, and perhaps might lead you to change your position. 

Ultimately, I can’t force you to do anything – and that’s the lesson I have to take away, and the truth I have to live with.

In my wedding speech, I said that you were family. You are.  You have been around for as long as I can honestly remember at this point in my life, and you are important.  We haven’t had a ton of interaction outside of family events, but that’s probably okay because there are a lot of years between us, and only now are we kind of same same in spite of those years – like now you’re an adult, and have been faced with adult complexities and interactions, and so maybe, just maybe, now, what I say might resonate with you.  I’m not saying it will totally make sense, and at the end of it, you might still call bullshit, and that’s okay too – you’re at a point where you get to decide.

Okay, so without getting into the whole drawn out story of nonsense, here is my issue in a nutshell:  my last name is what I have. I speak for myself only.  When Dad left, there were many years of heartache and anger and questions and figuring out.  Our parents had an affair, and it hurt a lot of people.  They clearly and obviously love each other, and everything turned out okay in the end, but I have feelings about this.  I’ve been through years of personal  therapy to work through some of those feelings.  Some of it has been successful, some has not. Some feelings I’ve resolved, some, I clearly haven’t. 

I don’t know why the last name triggered me – or maybe I do.  I felt for years – (I was older when this all came to be) discarded, forgotten.  You might remember fun family vacations.  I remember being left out.  You might remember having two great dad figures in your life – I remember feeling like I had to prove that I was worthy of attention.  It’s not rational, Jonathan. And it’s not on you. When I saw the last name change, I fucking lost it.  It felt like the one thing I had that I didn’t have to share, I now had to share. 

It’s not about you.  I’m happy we’re a part of a family that is blended. It won’t always be perfect, and yes, I might lose my shit over some things that seem totally ridiculous and innocuous to you, but I feel like it’s fair to also promise you that I will try and explain it. 

This is obviously the first step – and whether you receive this message or don’t I guess really indicates whether we are all ready to take the step together to heal.  For me, I’m Sarah Bowden. I am not married. I don’t (won’t) have kids. I’ve built my career and identity on being Sarah Bowden and it’s what I have.  I don’t want to share it.  Whether you agree or disagree is your right and prerogative, but I feel like I get to own it, I get to be it, and I don’t want to share it.

I’m sorry if that hurts you.  I don’t want to.  I want us to be friends, and I want us to have the kind of “step” relationship where maybe I offer a different perspective on things in your life, and I guess I’m asking you to give me this.  If you decide not to (because really, it’s your decision in the end), then I will respect that, and we can continue on.  Me wanting this one thing for me has nothing to do with my or my sister or brother’s acceptance of you and your sister. We are family.  And as such, this is a letter that I would send to my sister, brother, father, mother – it’s how I feel.

And if you want to actually meet for a beer or just send me a message back and talk about it, I’m cool with that too.  You are a part of our family – you and Jennifer and Em and Andrew and I will make it what it will be.  It’s up to us.

Cheers

S.