Do you ever think back on moments of your life and just cringe?

Like, occasionally, I’ll be lying in bed, and my mind will wander, and I’ll start remembering.  Gah! Sometimes the remembering is the worst – it’s like my mind won’t let me forget the stupid decision, dumb choice, terrible words – and when it pops into my head I immediately try and exorcise it out – I don’t want to think about the dumb stuff I did, the people I hurt, the shame I felt. 

Memory is a catch 22 because all the memories help remind us about who we are or who we chose to be (or who we’re choosing to be?). But it also reminds us of the things we would rather forget – things that we don’t want to believe we are capable of but were.  In my twenties, I got involved with a guy who was engaged to be married – he left his fiancée for me and I literally ghosted.  In my thirties, I got involved with a guy who was married – he left his wife for me – I did not ghost. But I did spend 7 years in a toxic, unhealthy relationship driven by guilt, and an overwhelming desire to ensure that that hurt we caused wasn’t for naught.  In the end, it was.

Sometimes I’ve said terrible things to people – mostly to the people that matter most to me.  The most valuable feedback I’ve received is that the words I use and the things I say, although true and direct and honest, are hurtful.  I hold people – in particular people I love – to high expectations.  When they fail to live up to them, I tell them. 

In my professional life I’ve learned to temper this – I’ve learned to pick my battles. To sometimes just shut the fuck up.  To try and see what triggers the other person and assuage that – and I’ve been quite successful. I’ve gone from reactive to proactive.  From in your face to quite possibly appearing wise? However, I haven’t been as successful in my personal life. 

Anyway, quarantine has unfortunately (or maybe fortunately?) afforded me time to think about the stupid cringey shit and try and find a way to let go of it.  How do you forgive yourself for being dumb? How do you reconcile the person you think you are and want to be with the person who did mean things?

Perhaps that’s the endless struggle of humankind – at least the humans that want to be better.  We’ll never totally forget the things we did, but maybe, just maybe, remembering them will make us make better choices and be better people in the future.  I kept getting involved with “taken” guys, and every single time it ended up a gong show, and every single time I swore if confronted with the same choice, I would choose different – but it took a few tries to stick.  That’s my cross to bear, and I do bear it.  Some of you out there will probably want to hate me and judge me – that’s your prerogative – but know this: the choices I made were me working through things of the past.  The lessons took a while to stick. I’m human, I’ve made mistakes and so have you – in the end, I want to be better.  The path to that is fraught with obstacles.  I feel like at least owning it and taking responsibility for it puts me way ahead of most of the population.

I’ll probably always have those quite moments in bed, where I cringe, and try and steer my thoughts towards other things.  But also, those cringey moments keep me honest, remind me of who I want to be, and help make sure I don’t keep fucking it up.  I hope.